maliciousmelons:

“911 whats your emergency?” hi i need to report a kidnapping. my son is taking a nap in his room right now.

(via iwillmindfuckyou)

the-anal-rapist:

me seducing your man…

(via laughbitches)

two deer walk out of a gay bar, one turns to the other and says “man, i can’t believe i blew thirty bucks in there”.

(via letitgo-itsjustafantasy)

edwad:

long distance relationships aren’t so bad if ur dick is long enough 2 reach ur girl hahaha swag

(via beyoncebeytwice)

trillow:

hey mum my gang is coming over tonight can you prepare some fun snacks

(via thecowdrinkstea)

riceslut:

I GOOGLED EGG PHOBIA AND

(Source: chickenstripgoddess, via thecowdrinkstea)

dietchola:

my mind is still blown at the fact that in lilo and stitch his name is stitch because he patches up their family

(via paging-doctorfaggot)

kanyewesticle:

if life hands you lemons why the fuck does it have hands

(via laughbitches)

rapewhistled:

(via magicconchshell)

blein:

sO my friend’s dog died and she lives in new york city and so she had to take it to the vet by the subway and she put the dead dog in the suitcase on the subway and it was a pretty big dog and some dude saw that she was struggling with the suitcase so he asked if she needed help with it and he said do you mind me asking what’s in it and she didnt want to say a dead dog so shE SAID IT WAS A BUNCH OF LAPTOPS SO HE TOOK THE SUITCASE AND RAN AND I JUST 

(via beyoncebeytwice)